return home: Neocities.
I got fucked up last night. To the absolute maximum. I even tried to write to bring myself back down:
"My mother has a certain way of putting things in order.
Its body sizzled behind the curtains.
I didn’t bring him.
The buffalaolllooo
Hello if you’re reading this.
Order him
"
placeholder for July 4, 2023
Simply not sober, and certainly not in any different of a spot than where I started. Enough of this ueless diary, go read something else on this website... like this
July 6, 2023
Hello, this is going to be my first 24 hours sober on my own volition in a while tomorrow morning. I think I will go ahead and have a little vent in this entry.
There are many things I have planned on doing. One of the hardest is distancing myself from my parents.
I am pretty strange, I suspect it's autism, but I am not diagnosed. Anyway, the short form is I have dedicated my life to my parents since I was a little kid. I would keep in mind their physical and emotional needs. When they would be emotional, I become distraught and uncomfortable. This combination is pretty strange and keeps me from opening up to my parents in any way, despite acting as their best friend. I have an apartment and a boyfriend who I abandon to take care of them, AKA, hang out with them even though I do not want to. I don't know why I do this. I have never been vulnerable to them or my friends. I pay for everything, am there but not really there with my friends. I am unable to form any relationships with new people, and for now I have given up.
This people pleasing is how I know to communicate and once it made me loose my sense of self completely.
Yesterday, I had a bad experience being talked down to by two friends that were over. They are close with each other and I am not. It hurts
I feel empty with nothing to do. New job is starting
July 17